company won’t do anything about a horrible coworker, eating tiny lunches in a group, and more (2024)

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. My company won’t do anything about our horrible coworker

I have a very problematic coworker, Alex, but everyone, including HR, seem to be unable to fire them. And when I say problematic, I mean it. Earlier this year Alex outed me at work as gay (that’s a whole other letter), lied about another coworker sexually harassing me and minors (which I promise never happened), tried to get our managers fired, has been actively scuttling interviews with possible new hires when we are understaffed, gets into heated debates in public discussing confidential information (we’re customer-facing most of the time) while withholding that same info from those that need it, and lots of other smaller things. And that’s what I am aware of.

Recently Alex has begun an attempt to try and oust our department head because they claim the department head “doesn’t listen to them.” Besides the obvious reasons above that our department head has for taking everything Alex says with a grain of salt, our department head has talked to HR about it and they are trying to work with Alex to make them feel heard.

I fully accept Alex might be on a PIP and I wouldn’t know, but I doubt it. They continue to terrorize most of the staff with no known consequences. I’ve been told our workplace rarely, if ever, fires people (which is yet another letter), but I feel like we’re at that “rarely” point. But every time I talk to my boss, HR, or department head, they are all very reluctant to act. And it’s not that they don’t know the issue or share my feelings. One of them nearly cried to me due to how frustrated they were.

I just want Alex to stop terrorizing all of us. I work closely with Alex and know they have struggles and issues and I am sympathetic, but I feel like they’re using it as an excuse to make everyone else’s life also miserable. Ideally Alex could reform, but they have burned so much I think they would have to become someone entirely different for everyone to keep effectively working with them. It might be best for everyone if they were let go.

I know it is wishful thinking, but I was wondering if you had any ideas I could try to get something to change or be less stuck in this spot of frustration? Like can I bring up that Alex outed me again? (It was never handled because it was tied up with the accusations of the other coworker but that all got dropped when that person left as they had another job all set and was out the door before Alex started that circus). Should I as a subordinate bring up my concern about Alex’s attack on our department head? Or maybe something else you can see from what I wrote that I can’t.

What I see is that the problem isn’t Alex. Or rather, they aren’t the biggest problem. The biggest problem is that your management is aware of all the problems with Alex and is choosing not to act. Whether that’s from wimpiness or incompetence, I can’t say (although they’re really the same thing here). But they’re not doing their jobs and they’re letting the rest of you continue to suffer under Alex’s reign of terror. Alex has done so many fireable things at this point that not acting is a deliberate choice your management is making. They’re the problem.

I’m deeply skeptical that there’s any magical argument you can make that will get them to act when they’ve declined to so far. If the rest of you make such a stink that it becomes more painful to keep ignoring you than it is to deal with Alex, maybe that might move things along. But I’d rather you go somewhere that functions with a bare minimum level of managerial competence instead.

2. Eating tiny lunches in a group

I usually eat a very small breakfast and lunch, with a large dinner. This is just how my body has always worked. Often this might look like one buttered slice of bread for breakfast, a protein bar for lunch, then something like a large lasagne for dinner.

My office often has impromptu “team lunches” where we all kind of gravitate together at 1 pm. I get comments about my meagre portions and I honestly feel a bit out of place eating a single bar while my teammate is having beautiful homemade chicken risotto.

This extends to official company-paid work lunches, where I order $5 appetizers while others are ordering $50 steaks, which really feels quite awkward. I’m often encouraged to order the more expensive or larger items on the menu, even after explaining my eating preferences, and receive significant side eye as I slowly nibble on my salad.

Is it bad optics to eat cheap or small lunches in a group? Or are others being weird about my food habits? I’m worried I might be coming across as a cheapskate or appearing to be hiding an eating disorder.

In theory, what you eat at a group lunch is no one else’s business, and no one should have feelings about it in any way. In reality, in some contexts it’s something people will notice and which might feel out of place. That doesn’t mean you should change what you’re doing, though.

The impromptu team lunches where you’re all gathering with your own food are fine. Bring your protein bar, explain that’s what you like for lunch, and give it no further thought. But when it’s a more official, company-paid lunch where other people are ordering $50 steaks and you’re having a small side salad … it’s still no one’s business, but it’s likely to come up. Mostly that’s because people will worry you’re eating a side salad because there’s nothing else suitable for you and they’ll want to ensure you’re getting taken care of. It can also look a little … well, not like you’re rejecting the company’s hospitality because it’s not that, but something in that neighborhood? That’s wrong-headed, but so many social customs and rituals are connected to food that it’s something to be aware of.

That does not mean that you need to eat food you don’t want. You don’t! And people will get used to it over time. But realistically, yes, it may stand out as noticeably different from the norm. You may or may not care about that; you’re not required to. But if you do, one option is to order a reasonably palatable entree and take most of it home with you to eat later (or just use the time-honored practice of pushing it around on your plate while not eating much of it).

3. Boss wants us to share our availability but doesn’t share his own

A year or so ago, my manager said our team could work from home one day a week. He also wanted us to communicate that day on our team’s shared calendar. My manager, however, does not follow these same rules. He works from home whenever he wants to, without consistently communicating this to my coworker and me on the shared calendar. My coworker and I also post doctor’s appointments on the calendar but my manager does not.

Our manager is sometimes needed to help with issues in-person and we never know if he will be available or not. This is especially frustrating if we are short-staffed. Consequently, my coworker and I have both experienced growing resentment and frustration. Do you think we should bring this issue up to our manager in-person and how should we discuss this?

Yes, as long as you can tie it to clear work impacts, rather than just the double standard. (The double standard is a legitimate thing to resent. It’s just not likely to go over well with your boss.)

You could frame it as, “Would it be possible for you to note on the shared calendar when you’ll be out for appointments or working from home? We’re finding that we don’t always know if you’re available when we need you — for example, yesterday with X and last week with Y.”

4. I’m worried my old abuser will harass me at work

I work in a government office for an appointed official. A lot of my work deals with external partners, many of whom have to reach out to us first, so my contact information has to remain publicly available. I love my job more than anything I’ve done previously. It’s fulfilling, meaningful, and interesting.

I’m also a survivor of child abuse. I cut off my abuser from all contact for many years, did a lot of therapy, and am in a much better place now. In those years, my abuser tried to contact me through multiple routes, including inappropriate ones, but I was able to either block those routes (particularly when I was self-employed) or keep my contact information from being publicly available.

Recently, a meddling family member gave my abuser my phone number. Predictably, this resulted in him trying to reach me every few days or so for months. I finally called him back in the hopes that that would stop the calls but they’re still coming, only with slightly less frequency. I’m concerned that if I don’t call him again, my abuser will now find my publicly available contact information and use it inappropriately.

How do you suggest I prepare my office for this possibility while still maintaining the availability I need to have? I don’t want to have to share my painful past with anyone who might screen calls (the responsibility rotates depending on who’s in meetings or not) or with an HR department that is at a different location and who I don’t totally trust based on experience. At least I have no concern that my abuser will show up at my office since he lives hundreds of miles away and is currently disabled, but getting calls, emails, and website forms from him repeatedly would be hard on me and my understaffed office.

You can share that someone is harassing you without sharing details beyond that. You can simply say that a “difficult family member”/“unhinged family member”/“past stalker” (whatever feels most comfortable to you; they all sound accurate) has recently been making unwelcome and aggressive contact, you’re concerned he might use your work contact info at some point, and if that happens you’d like them to ___. Fill in the blank with whatever keeps you safest and most comfortable. That might be always saying you’re unavailable, sending all his calls to a specific voice mailbox (that you don’t need to check), deleting his messages without forwarding them on to you, or whatever you decide on.

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.

5. Work won’t pay for our travel to a weekend location

I work at a small nonprofit and everyone on staff is being asked to work a couple of weekends each during the next few months at an off-site location that can only be accessed by ferry. They will not be covering the cost of travel, which makes it especially difficult for some of us who will have to drive or take public transportation over extremely long distances to reach even the ferry departure point.

In return for working these offsite weekend days, we will have the chance to take a day off on one of our work-from-home days (we are a hybrid office), but only if our workloads permit (invariably, they will not).

I think it is legal in my state for a company as small as ours not to cover travel costs. But it feels incredibly unfair to require us to work these weekends at a location so inaccessible. Is there anything the staff can do to make this a better situation?

You can all push back as a group! A group of you complaining is more effective than just one person’s voice. As a group, tell your management that the organization needs to cover the costs of doing the offsite work, rather than pushing those costs onto its employees. Frame it just like that — that these are their expenses, not yours. If they decline, say none of you are able to afford the cost of travel so you’ll need another option for getting to the location. Again, there’s power in numbers. One person saying that would be sticking their neck out; a group of you saying it has more protection.

While you’re at it, push for actual comp time, not “you can take an extra day only if your workload allows it.” (Although if any of you are non-exempt, they’re legally required to pay you overtime — meaning time and a half — for those additional hours if it takes you over 40 hours that week.)

And I’m just gonna leave this here.